Reflection

Wow, let me just say that.
I cannot believe it has only been a week since my life has been turned upside down.
It feels like I have lived 6 months in a week. Things are still shaky, new "surprises" getting thrown at me every 12 hours or so, but remarkably,
I still have faith.
It is impossible to explain how I am feeleing.
When we are not fighting and we are living like we did before everything happened, it feels so wonderful. I don't think I have ever been in love so much as I am then. Everything we do I am so grateful for, and nothing is as serious as it would be. The world feels as light as a feather.
But then he revieals a new "twist" in the plot, let us call it. It breaks my heart. I am confused, hurt, and angrier than I have ever been. I want to rip everything apart. Every picture that we have hanging, anything that we have ever bought together, I just want to throw it all away.
Then I feel so stupid, because who would put up with this much? Lying, cheating, STILL befriending?
I know if anyone could know exactlly what went on, they would be like, "Hey, what the heck are you still doing there?"

Hope.

I don't even know why.
I keep thinking, "ok, this is the last straw, the next thing, and Im gone!" but it never works that way.
Really, I think HE would have to get rid of ME.
Isn't that sad.
After all that was done, all the tears, I remain here. Intending to stay, but it is so hard.
I am just doing it, day by day. Hour by hour. fight by fight. I have to win, don't I? After fighting so hard.
It feels like the 100 year war.
I am just sooooo tiered. BUT I will still fight.
"Love Conqures all," as the Corithians say.

feelings

I feel stupid, so God damed stupid.
Someone breaks your heart,
your trust,
you are devistated.
Broken.
A part of you, a part that still hopes,
accepts apoligies and promises of a change,
but then, not even 24 hours latter,
the trust is broken again.
How could you? you ask
he was hoping too.
That I wouldn't find out,
that I wouldn't get mad again,
All bonds
of trust
Broken.

*Sigh*

Just as my hopes and dreams were comming to a realization, down they go.
I was going to go meet with the director for ESL programs, and he wasn't there!!!
I feel like such a dweeb. I really wanted to go, got all pretty, and nothing came of it. I have e mailed him, and want a firm, concreate apointment.
Secondly, someone has been "gmail" (I have no idea what that is, I think its like IM) some girl. He didn't minimize it the first time I saw it, but when I came down latter, he quick flipped to another screen.
Not to sound paranoid, she is in his class and everything, but geeze!!!
Today is rough!