I wake up
7am.
Natures alarm clock.
I feel so fresh and alive.
Like waking up is
being born
all over again.
The sun is struggling against the horizon,
Making its way up into the new day.
It is streaming through clouds,
sending out its rays where ever it gets the chance.
It almost looks like the moon.
Branches reach up to the sky,
as if they
were praising God
for this wonderful day.
Their branches criss cross,
like hands held together in prayer.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
A good day
today was one of the best days I have had in a long time. At work, they had a vollunteer oppertunity to go help a childrens home celebrate valentines day. Kids there have been beaten, assulted, neclected and abused. Needless to say, they haven't really celebrated much in their lives.
But today was different.
Today, me and 3 co-workers requisitioned $50 worth of candy and went to meet other target employees who wanted to help throw the kids a valentines day party. We set up little game booths that they could play, and every kid got a prize; 2 peices of candy and a valentines day pencil. The booths consisted of face painting, (I got mine done too!) sack toss, ring toss, basket ball, and the best booth, hehem, was we gave them a little rubber ball and they tossed it into a mail box.
It was so much fun cheering and encoraging the kids on! Some kids didn't really know what to do with positive emotions, so they just kept their frown on, but I knew they appreciated it. Like Betty White said on The Golden Girls, "A frown is just a smile turned upside down!"
Some of the kids were really upset when their turn was up, but we just said, "You did so good, though! Now let this kid try!" And they took their candy and either watched the next kid, or walked away to find other stations to play.
The face painting was the funniest. All the boys had huge snakes painted on, like they were really tough stuff. What did I get?
A butterfly!!!
I thought it was so pretty, I wore it to work the rest of the day.
The best part was this girl, about 9 or 10 walked up to our booth and I commented on her lovely face painting. She smiled and said thankyou. She kept comming back around, and when her class was leaving, she came up to me, thanked me, and just kind of stood there.
I held open my arms and she came and gave me a hug! I told her how nice it was meeting her, and that I hoped that she had a happy Valentines day.
It was so nice to know that one little compliment had made her day. She sure made mine.
Driving home, I couldn't help but think about how this was really close to not happening. I was the only one signed up, and I had to go, person to person, and ask them to come with me. Alot of people didn't want to go, and I can see why.
Yes, its scary volunteering where you don't know anyone.
Yes, its scary to have the abused kids right up in front of you, so that you can't ignore it.
Yes, it is terrifying, but these kids have only known hardship and sadness; they need to see the good in the world. It never hurt anyone to be a little uncomfortable.
But today was different.
Today, me and 3 co-workers requisitioned $50 worth of candy and went to meet other target employees who wanted to help throw the kids a valentines day party. We set up little game booths that they could play, and every kid got a prize; 2 peices of candy and a valentines day pencil. The booths consisted of face painting, (I got mine done too!) sack toss, ring toss, basket ball, and the best booth, hehem, was we gave them a little rubber ball and they tossed it into a mail box.
It was so much fun cheering and encoraging the kids on! Some kids didn't really know what to do with positive emotions, so they just kept their frown on, but I knew they appreciated it. Like Betty White said on The Golden Girls, "A frown is just a smile turned upside down!"
Some of the kids were really upset when their turn was up, but we just said, "You did so good, though! Now let this kid try!" And they took their candy and either watched the next kid, or walked away to find other stations to play.
The face painting was the funniest. All the boys had huge snakes painted on, like they were really tough stuff. What did I get?
A butterfly!!!
I thought it was so pretty, I wore it to work the rest of the day.
The best part was this girl, about 9 or 10 walked up to our booth and I commented on her lovely face painting. She smiled and said thankyou. She kept comming back around, and when her class was leaving, she came up to me, thanked me, and just kind of stood there.
I held open my arms and she came and gave me a hug! I told her how nice it was meeting her, and that I hoped that she had a happy Valentines day.
It was so nice to know that one little compliment had made her day. She sure made mine.
Driving home, I couldn't help but think about how this was really close to not happening. I was the only one signed up, and I had to go, person to person, and ask them to come with me. Alot of people didn't want to go, and I can see why.
Yes, its scary volunteering where you don't know anyone.
Yes, its scary to have the abused kids right up in front of you, so that you can't ignore it.
Yes, it is terrifying, but these kids have only known hardship and sadness; they need to see the good in the world. It never hurt anyone to be a little uncomfortable.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
V. Day or D. Day?
So I wonder if I will be getting anything for Valentines day? I know I shouldn't get my hopes up because he doesn't have alot of money, but at the same time, we have been through a lot this year. I don't know what to hope for! I haven't gotten him anything, but I still kind of want some flowers or something. :)We'll see.
Fairy Tales
So, I just got done reading a book called "The twelve dancing princesses". It was fantastic. Not only did I enjoy reading a famliar fairy tale, (it was nice that the author made it 300 pages to make me feel like a grown up,) but it renewed my hope for goodness in the world.
Perhaps this is taking it a bit far, but as I read it, all the characters had such raw emotion, that it just seemed so real. What the characters were feeling, I could sympathize with them and understand WHY they felt that way. Their troubles were real troubles, their worries, real things to worry about. And the way that the author described their physical attributes, amazing. It made me think they were at one time real people.
If anyone knows the story, you know that the princesses are trapped by an enchantment to go undergound every night, and dance for an evil prince. That is why their dancing slippers get worn through, and that is what provokes the main mystery. The author does a great job portraying how tiered they look. I mean, they look retched. He doesn't pay them the honor of being beautiful AND droopy eyed. Nope. They are exausted girls who have the burden of a secret.
That is what I loved. The realness in a fairytale.
Perhaps this is taking it a bit far, but as I read it, all the characters had such raw emotion, that it just seemed so real. What the characters were feeling, I could sympathize with them and understand WHY they felt that way. Their troubles were real troubles, their worries, real things to worry about. And the way that the author described their physical attributes, amazing. It made me think they were at one time real people.
If anyone knows the story, you know that the princesses are trapped by an enchantment to go undergound every night, and dance for an evil prince. That is why their dancing slippers get worn through, and that is what provokes the main mystery. The author does a great job portraying how tiered they look. I mean, they look retched. He doesn't pay them the honor of being beautiful AND droopy eyed. Nope. They are exausted girls who have the burden of a secret.
That is what I loved. The realness in a fairytale.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
God bless mom. I wouldn't be here otherwise
Mothers are a blessing from God. Truely. I spent 77 minutes talkiing to her last night, and I went from feeling really bad and sorry for myself to accepting things and willing to move on with life.
One conversation was particularly moving.
I told her "I am a failure in life! I have done nothing with it so far!!"
She retorted, "now hang on a sec, if your a failure, that means I am a failure! What are you trying to say here?!"
"Huh? What are you TALKING about? Your not a failure!"
"Everyone knows it is the mothers falt."
"What?! No . . "
"Yes sir! It all comes back to how you are raised. So you are goign to tell me that I was a failure as a mother and failed in raising you?"
"Of coarse not."
She continued on her rant abot how i thought she was a bad mother, (joking), and finally I said, "Mom, you know what? I am a graduate from college, have a job, got married before the national average, so I think by all means I am succeeding"
"See, there you go."
"But I don't have the job I want, I am going to school for who knows what, and my marriage is in shambles!"
"No its not."
"I mean, what am I going to do with my life? I have no idea what i am good for!"
"Well, I am not good for anything, am I wasting my life?"
"No" Then I thoought abot it. "You are a great mom. The best. That is what you were supposed to do."
"Awww. Well see, that is what you will be great at being a mom."
"No I wont! I will have horrible, unrully kids!"
"Nah. You'll whip them into shape."
Then I went on to ask what if they have deformaties, down syndrome, or anything else. I was freaking out, to say the least.
"You can never help that. There is nothing you can do to prevent it."
Ture.
Mom always speaks the truth.
Like when I said everything about my marriage was unsure. She said, no, he truely loves me me, he wont ever hurt me again, and we will have a happy marraige if I can learn to get past it.
I know she is rigt. She is the reason I stayed in this marriage. She is the reason I keep going. She is what gives me the strength to live day after day, to keep going.
I asked her who cheers her up.
"I don't know." She said. "I guess I cheer myself up."
One conversation was particularly moving.
I told her "I am a failure in life! I have done nothing with it so far!!"
She retorted, "now hang on a sec, if your a failure, that means I am a failure! What are you trying to say here?!"
"Huh? What are you TALKING about? Your not a failure!"
"Everyone knows it is the mothers falt."
"What?! No . . "
"Yes sir! It all comes back to how you are raised. So you are goign to tell me that I was a failure as a mother and failed in raising you?"
"Of coarse not."
She continued on her rant abot how i thought she was a bad mother, (joking), and finally I said, "Mom, you know what? I am a graduate from college, have a job, got married before the national average, so I think by all means I am succeeding"
"See, there you go."
"But I don't have the job I want, I am going to school for who knows what, and my marriage is in shambles!"
"No its not."
"I mean, what am I going to do with my life? I have no idea what i am good for!"
"Well, I am not good for anything, am I wasting my life?"
"No" Then I thoought abot it. "You are a great mom. The best. That is what you were supposed to do."
"Awww. Well see, that is what you will be great at being a mom."
"No I wont! I will have horrible, unrully kids!"
"Nah. You'll whip them into shape."
Then I went on to ask what if they have deformaties, down syndrome, or anything else. I was freaking out, to say the least.
"You can never help that. There is nothing you can do to prevent it."
Ture.
Mom always speaks the truth.
Like when I said everything about my marriage was unsure. She said, no, he truely loves me me, he wont ever hurt me again, and we will have a happy marraige if I can learn to get past it.
I know she is rigt. She is the reason I stayed in this marriage. She is the reason I keep going. She is what gives me the strength to live day after day, to keep going.
I asked her who cheers her up.
"I don't know." She said. "I guess I cheer myself up."
Monday, February 1, 2010
Hurt
The hardest part about any of this is letting go. Letting him go to class, letting him go to study group, letting him go anywhere is so hard for me. It is proving to be harder than I thought just to have the simple trust again.
Before, if he had to work late on a project, no problem. If it had all girls in it, I didn't care. Heck, over the summer, a girl even put "I love you!" on his helmet, and I didn't bat an eyelash.
Now, every phone call, every unknown number, every time he isn't home when he says he will be, I get a cold, clammy feeling, like the very first time that he told me he cheated on me.
I still can't believe that he was sticking up for his relationship with her more than for ours.
"I promised her we could be friends!"
"Well you promised to be faithful to me first!"
That keeps ringing over and over in my mind. I always see him in the spare bedroom telling me that.
I wonder to this day if I had not wrote that e-mail to her, would this still be going on? Would I have a husband? And do I have a husband who will fight for our relationship now?I can never be sure. I wish i were just happily married, about ready to start a family, and at peace. What I wouldn't give to know what was in matts head and heart. I wish that I could see that he was truthful, and I wish with all my being that I could find a way to make that sluts life miserable, to really hurt her how she hurt me.
I know I never will.
I hope to God that someday I will be able to not dwell, to feel loved, and to be at peace.
Before, if he had to work late on a project, no problem. If it had all girls in it, I didn't care. Heck, over the summer, a girl even put "I love you!" on his helmet, and I didn't bat an eyelash.
Now, every phone call, every unknown number, every time he isn't home when he says he will be, I get a cold, clammy feeling, like the very first time that he told me he cheated on me.
I still can't believe that he was sticking up for his relationship with her more than for ours.
"I promised her we could be friends!"
"Well you promised to be faithful to me first!"
That keeps ringing over and over in my mind. I always see him in the spare bedroom telling me that.
I wonder to this day if I had not wrote that e-mail to her, would this still be going on? Would I have a husband? And do I have a husband who will fight for our relationship now?I can never be sure. I wish i were just happily married, about ready to start a family, and at peace. What I wouldn't give to know what was in matts head and heart. I wish that I could see that he was truthful, and I wish with all my being that I could find a way to make that sluts life miserable, to really hurt her how she hurt me.
I know I never will.
I hope to God that someday I will be able to not dwell, to feel loved, and to be at peace.
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