Hurt

The hardest part about any of this is letting go. Letting him go to class, letting him go to study group, letting him go anywhere is so hard for me. It is proving to be harder than I thought just to have the simple trust again.
Before, if he had to work late on a project, no problem. If it had all girls in it, I didn't care. Heck, over the summer, a girl even put "I love you!" on his helmet, and I didn't bat an eyelash.
Now, every phone call, every unknown number, every time he isn't home when he says he will be, I get a cold, clammy feeling, like the very first time that he told me he cheated on me.
I still can't believe that he was sticking up for his relationship with her more than for ours.
"I promised her we could be friends!"
"Well you promised to be faithful to me first!"
That keeps ringing over and over in my mind. I always see him in the spare bedroom telling me that.
I wonder to this day if I had not wrote that e-mail to her, would this still be going on? Would I have a husband? And do I have a husband who will fight for our relationship now?I can never be sure. I wish i were just happily married, about ready to start a family, and at peace. What I wouldn't give to know what was in matts head and heart. I wish that I could see that he was truthful, and I wish with all my being that I could find a way to make that sluts life miserable, to really hurt her how she hurt me.
I know I never will.
I hope to God that someday I will be able to not dwell, to feel loved, and to be at peace.